THE FEAR OF FAILURE

failure

My main struggle of writing blog posts is I don’t know what is the right subject to write about.

Believe me, I got stuck after this sentence for quite a while too.

I guess everything is about me being too self-conscious. The fear of failure.

Whenever I start writing a post, numerous question ran through my head.

Would that be too shallow? Would that be too personal? Pointless? Phony?

I actually would never know because I just keep hitting the Backspace button. I would never know my thoughts and ideas will be adored by people or not.

The more eager I am to show the best of me to others, the less I am showing. This thought keeps turning me into an introvert, which I am actually not.

Not only hindering me from posting on my blog, this thought blocks away so many opportunities I should have in real life as well. I am afraid of taking up any of the opportunities because my only prediction of the result is failure. Pathetic enough.

To be honest, this post is way too personal according to my standard. But hey, the reason I wanted to start this blog is I wanted to share, hopefully to be understood, and to speak out for anyone who share my views and feelings, if there are any.

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve,

the fear of failure.” -The Alchemist

My dreams are not too big. They are only personal goals. So I guess nothing should be worried about. Who cares if I fail, right?

Yea the Publish button here we go…

WRITE WROTE WRITTEN

When I was a teenager (not long ago lol ), the blogging site Xanga was the ultimate online social platform among my peer group. Xanga is sort of like MySpace, which causes embarrassments to people today. But how it got me hooked on writing somehow turns it into the good old days.

It was the time when one single picture would take up to several hours to be uploaded on internet. Not to mention video clips, which would probably need 100 days to upload. Slow internet, along with limited options you got when designing the layout of your blog, writings end up to be the only thing to represent yourself.

Everyone was so keen on writing blogs at that time. My friends and I almost updated our Xanga every day. Those were all genuine writings, despite the wrong grammar and spelling. We were so enthusiastic about checking the subscriptions and reading our friends’ writings. What a boost in literacy level.

At the beginning I only wrote about trivial stuffs like school life and celebrity crushes. Then my blog was gradually becoming a space where I express my childish and emo-ish thoughts while I was growing up and becoming a young adult. I started to have a liking for writing at that time as well.

When recalling those days, it feels like ages ago. Probably because I don’t actually read blogs at all now. All human beings within my social circle are on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Pictures and motions dominant, and words are either not longer than 140 characters, supplements for the lack of emojis, or barely description of a video or photo.

Since when I found it rare to write a post with 300 words?

BEGINNER’S LUCK

Let’s be real. This is not my first blog. And of course this is not the first time for me to write a freaking “first post”.

I sucks at adhering to commitments. My best achievement so far was a blog with twenty-something posts and twenty-something subscribers.

From time to time I have that urge to start a blog. The urge to share with others. After spilling my thoughts in several posts at the beginning, I then stuffed the blog with pointless content and average photography. Eventually I feel I’m too lame to continue and therefore I quit.

Living in a pseudo society aka the Internet, everyone’s life seems so perfect behind all the Instagram filters and hashtags. Comparing to spectacles online, my life is so not worth sharing.

But still, I wanted to start a blog again. Even though I still think I not cool enough, I always believe that one’s writing is always unique and exclusive, and I believe in words. Writing may not be my strength, but it is definitely my thing.

I know that pictures and videos are more eye-catching in these overwhelming online platforms. I usually feast myself with all those eye-candies on tumblr and pinterest more than reading black and white words on blogs too. Not to mention those youtube channel and the youtubers that made me fangirling about. But I believe in words. And I believe that every search begins with beginner’s luck.