FACES

tpbff

Names in contact list on my phone I cannot associate a face with.
Facebook friends who were being tagged in group pictures look just like the other unknown strangers in the photos.
Schoolmate who worked with me in a group project not long ago I had to spend 10 mins to recall the name of.

Time passes and faces fade.

Day by day there are too many light-hearted encounters. Too brief that nothing of you allows me to grab hold of and keep it in my heart. Or maybe I never intended to.

People piled up, sank and withered. Mold grew and faces become ambiguous.
I am not the one to be blamed, as I am moldy in your heart.

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2015tlywtlmy2

Scrolling through the fresh Facebook 2015 news feed filled with group photos taken by selfie stick, I hold on to my new year resolution in my heart. 

For the annual review of 2014, I would say I might have lost faith in humanity.

The ignorant, pathetic, narcissistic, dishonest, weak, unpleasant me and you.
Socializing could be disappointing as people, including myself could not keep up with my expectations of them. Therefore I started not to expect. Not that I have generated hatred towards people around. I just didn’t embrace human flaw. I secluded myself from social circles and replaced affection with coolness.

I thought, in that way, I would not have to deal with the dark side of people vulnerably.

But as time goes by, coolness became detestation. I found myself dislike almost every human being I met. I disgusted everything they did and every word they said.

Who have I become? What have I become?

It’s time to reform in the coming year.

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

– John 13:34-35

2015, love the others.

2015, the lovely year with the lovely me and you.

FACTS THAT FRUSTRATED US

Creativity is slain by capitalism in our city.

Yesterday night I went out for dinner with some classmates, and we ended up discussing about the facts that frustrated us.

We have no idea what we are going to do after university, as students majoring in writing.

Of course we have some certain ideas, but the thing is we are not living in the ideal world. At least the city we live in would not grant our wishes. I would not say that the writing industry in Hong Kong is declined to a desperate level. After all the population aka the market in Hong Kong is quite large. What depresses us is there are only a handful of printed media that are able to sustain here. Online media got a much larger size of audience. So the printed media started imitating the online media in terms of culture and representations. It is not a bad thing until the media in Hong Kong are getting more monotonous.

Online media is the platform where the borderline of author and audience are blurred. While the producers and the consumers are the same group of people, the content would definitely be very market-driven, or actually market-dependent. Mainstream culture dominants and eliminates the subcultures. The solidarity Hong Kongers shew in Umbrella Movement also exists in popular culture. With such relatively larger population, the diversity of culture or trends is already relatively low in Hong Kong. And now the printed media started joining in to reinforce this situation. Great.

In my mind, I anticipate printed media to be more indie. To be the alternatives in society. I would say the scenery is quite disappointing when my classmates and I, as enthusiasts in writing, actually rarely consume local blogs and magazines. Creativity is slain by capitalism in our city.

Even though we don’t see ourselves doing anything too pioneering in the future, we still worry that we might not be able to sustain when our creations are not entirely following the local mainstream.

And this situation may or may not be exclusive in Hong Kong, which is my another concern.

AT CHRISTMAS EVERYTHING IS FINE

christmas

And I guess restarting the blog I abandoned for an awfully long time is fine as well.  

When I started this blog, it was summer holiday and I had plenty of times in my hand because I had just graduated from community college. Then in September, the new semester commenced and I became a year 3 student majoring in creative writing in university. Everything has changed and I had to get myself used to it.

The courses I took were so demanding and I needed to push myself to keep up academically and mentally. The workload was overwhelming even though I truly enjoyed doing all the writings and other creative works. I did felt like I was drained of creativity in some moments.

It stressed me out. I got fever almost once a month and lost 10 pounds over the past 3 months.

During that period of time I read nothing other than the readings given by professors. I published nothing other than my assignments. This blog was in a total coma. I even forgot the password to log-in.

Now winter break is finally here and I want to sort things out. Writing helps me to express myself like nothing else. My ideas, my feelings, my thoughts and my mumbles desire audiences.

Therefore, here I am.

THE FEAR OF FAILURE

failure

My main struggle of writing blog posts is I don’t know what is the right subject to write about.

Believe me, I got stuck after this sentence for quite a while too.

I guess everything is about me being too self-conscious. The fear of failure.

Whenever I start writing a post, numerous question ran through my head.

Would that be too shallow? Would that be too personal? Pointless? Phony?

I actually would never know because I just keep hitting the Backspace button. I would never know my thoughts and ideas will be adored by people or not.

The more eager I am to show the best of me to others, the less I am showing. This thought keeps turning me into an introvert, which I am actually not.

Not only hindering me from posting on my blog, this thought blocks away so many opportunities I should have in real life as well. I am afraid of taking up any of the opportunities because my only prediction of the result is failure. Pathetic enough.

To be honest, this post is way too personal according to my standard. But hey, the reason I wanted to start this blog is I wanted to share, hopefully to be understood, and to speak out for anyone who share my views and feelings, if there are any.

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve,

the fear of failure.” -The Alchemist

My dreams are not too big. They are only personal goals. So I guess nothing should be worried about. Who cares if I fail, right?

Yea the Publish button here we go…